Hello nonexistent readers – we meet again

As is consistent with my relationship with blogging, I did it for a little while when things were rocky, then my brain did it’s thing and locked all those memories behind a wall, and I went on about my happy, compartmentalized way. Super healthy, right?

Well, apparently licensed counselors disagree with that approach. Oh yeah, I started talking to a therapist. My sweet boyfriend (Yup, that’s still a thing that’s happening. Going strong. Big fan of this one.) shared about the benefits that he has experienced through talking with someone, and I decided to give it a shot. And it has been great. I feel like I’ve worked through a lot, but she continually picks up on that little self defense mechanism I have that disconnects my emotions from the facts. My memories become more like a log book during trying times – I know what happened, but I let the details get blurry and dissociate myself from any pain that was there.

Obviously my first subject to broach with her was the divorce. I gave her the same story that I give anyone close enough to me to get to know the details. At the end she told me, “I noticed something when you were telling me what happened. There were moments that moved me nearly to tears, but you stayed stoic throughout the whole thing. It was all facts to you. You’ve walled off all of the bad emotions, and that may work for a time, but eventually you don’t have control over which emotions you wall off and the good go with the bad too.”

Oh. Well. She nailed that one.

In the months that followed she helped me start tearing down those emotional walls and acknowledge that I’m allowed to feel things. I can be shocked when I find out he is engaged to the woman he had an affair with. I can recognize the sweet relief that came with realizing how much better off I am. I can enjoy the vindication when I hear that not only does his family now know affirmatively that he had an affair, but that he also was carrying it on for nearly a year before I found out. I can also let my heart process the fact that the man I trusted was pursuing another woman while I miscarried. These feelings demand to be felt and recognizing them, learning from them, and not locking them away is part of healthy healing.

Cool. I did it. Winning at therapy. What next?

Well, I went in this week to tell her about plans to visit my family in Alaska for the first time in 10 years. I was letting myself be excited because I wouldn’t be going alone and I would be an adult and have a vehicle and the capability to get out and away from them if I needed a break.

Then she started asking questions that were too good.

“Why did you have a bad relationship with them again?” 

Time to do the same old rehash of the facts. Dad was absent, stepmom was emotionally abusive, I was a depressed teenager.

“What are some examples of what life was like up there?”

And I froze. I started to give a few and then realized how terrifyingly strong my mental block was. I told her that my memory from the time my parents got divorced through my freshman year was pretty much a blur. I have bits and pieces and the facts about what I know happened, but no vivid memories.

As we talked things started to rush back in waves. We would discuss something different and it would hit me suddenly. She wants to keep doing this so I won’t be blindsided by how stepping foot in that same house will hit me. Apparently it also looks like I may never have processed those emotions either. Even as I type this now, memories flash back of me sitting in a counselors office as a teenager and being told that it seemed that my stepmother was using me as a scapegoat, and then suddenly I never saw that counselor again.

The next few months should be a journey. It would be a lie to say I’m not anxious about rehashing my past when I was perfectly content to leave it there, but I know it will be for the best.

I’m not sure how often I will continue to blog. It was always therapeutic, so I may do it from time to time as I work through things still. It isn’t all bad this go around, though. It is growth. I’m learning more about myself as a new relationship grows deeper, and have been so blessed to stumble upon a human who is patient, understanding, loving, and encouraging through it all. And I like his face too. Big fan. I’m also continuing an exciting career where I get to learn and be challenged regularly. I have the sweetest fluff ball of a dog who listens like 60% of the time. I have friends that I adore and trust even though our relationship is built on razzing each other on the regular. And God has remained faithful through it all, even in my moments of faithlessness. I’m still not sure what His full plan is, but I’ve been given so many glimpses of hope.

So…here were go. Onto the next chapter. Huzzah.