I’ve always been pretty open about what I believe. I think genuine Christianity is a beautiful, rare thing that isn’t seen often enough and is often overshadowed by religion and tradition. It is relational, real, and raw (forgive my unintentional alliteration). Let me be clear – because I am a human, I won’t even begin to claim to get it right all of the time. Through this challenging span of four months, I think I’ve fallen on my face more times than I feel like I have in the previous 5 years. I haven’t kept my faith struggles a secret. The way I see it, there’s no point in trying to act like I still have it together. After all, God already knows. However, it is worth documenting that after what has felt like months of silence and frustration, I’ve finally been given some form of direction from above.
Let me set the scene.
Disclaimer: I don’t share these details for pity. I just want to make it clear just how crazy, frustrating, and perfect God’s timing can be.
Last week I was going on 2 weeks of low. That’s the longest bit of depression I’ve hit in this fun cycle, and to be completely transparent, it was getting bad. There was no amount of distraction that could pull me out. It was during that week, that our youth pastor at church asked to go to lunch to chat about the possibility of me joining their leadership team. I talked to multiple friends about it. I didn’t feel like I could remotely be useful to their ministry while my life still felt like a bad joke. I had people I respect tell me that there was nothing wrong with me taking time to just take care of myself and not serve. That day, when we had lunch, he was beyond understanding and wanted to give me time to pray about it. He didn’t need an answer until the end of December. So I went back to work, and the low continued. I went home, and the low hit hard. I made it up about 3 of my stairs before crumbling into a pathetic, blubbering ball of sad. That was where I was at when I got a Facebook message from an old youth student. This was someone I hadn’t talked to in at least 4 years, who didn’t even regularly attend our youth group. He wrote me, wanted to catch up, and talked about how I had always encouraged him. He told me that he always remembered me being full of joy with a smile on my face. That last bit of irony felt like it was laid on a bit thick.
My response to this obvious sign was to look up and say “Really?”
Don’t get me wrong – the break in months of silence and flying blind was excellent. I was energized, but very salty. I wasn’t even praying about this yet. I hadn’t even gotten a chance to ask, and with the state I was in, I wasn’t going to that day. I had a WHOLE MONTH. I didn’t need THAT answer now. Couldn’t He answer any of other questions I had thrown out there that were pending response? Nope. Not an option apparently.
So I went to church that week and sat in on their high school ministry. Of course, observation wasn’t really what God had planned for the day. Instead, I had a long conversation with an atheist who had attended with her friend for the first time about logic, creation, and faith. Of course God did that. He knows my soft spot for atheists – after all, I was one for a while. I can relate. This was the second time in these quiet 4 months that I’ve really felt like I was being given answers, and it wasn’t even to something I wanted answers on, of course.
My emotions are all over the place with this one. I have to laugh at the irony, and be honest about my selfishness in my reactions. I know that growth comes out of pain, and that this chapter in my life is going to be packed with…growth. I know that my weakness is being a control freak, and I have a tendency to push away help and say “I’ve got this.” I am a child who wants what I can’t have, and sometimes I need blunt, slap-you-in-the-face reminders that my plan isn’t the best plan.
It is miraculous that He hasn’t given up on me yet.