Yesterday I made the foolish mistake of believing that I was stronger than I am.

There was a night of worship being hosted at my old church. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to go with the amount of history combined with the people who would be there. After being invited and “encouraged” to attend multiple times by family and friends, I decided that stopping by for the first hour wouldn’t be the worst idea.

It was the worst idea.

I spent a good portion of the day leading up to the event feeling my anxiety build. I knew people would have questions, or at the very least they would ask me where he was. Within the first 5 minutes of walking in I had 4 people either ask me where he was, or ask how I was doing (combined with the token sad head tilt). When we walked in and took our seats, I sat and stared at the stage where we got married, led worship together, and sat together weekly. When I saw my brother-in-law walk in, I went to the bathroom to gather myself, only to realize that I was standing in the room where I put my wedding dress on. Of course, when I made it back to my seat, he came up to make small talk with my family as if nothing was amiss.

When it comes to fight or flight, I am almost always flight. So I flew right out of there as soon as he left.

I get it, reality. I really do. I’ve faced you enough times to understand fully what my life looks like right now. I’m not even angry at him anymore. Forgiveness is easier with low self esteem. Honestly, I’m just sad. The life I thought I would have is gone. The love I thought was lasting is over.

I can’t let myself stay sad though. I can’t let the stress win. It already sucker punched me with a migraine last night, and depleted what was left of an already crummy immune system. So with forward motion in mind, today will be used for wrapping up photo sessions, naps, Emergen-C and mental preparation for a week where I fake strength and hope that eventually it isn’t fake anymore.