This weekend was about reclamation.

I took back the road to Louisiana, with gas money purchased by selling my wedding ring ($60 – diamonds are worthless in case anyone was wondering). I listened to podcasts and music without anyone complaining about my taste. I let my mind wander and took in the national forests that he refused to drive through, because going around Houston was faster. I saw friends, played board games, and even though his name was laced throughout reminders of our joint time spent there, I felt strong again.

I’m fighting to stay strong today.

The road home was harder. 6 hours is a lot of time to spend trapped up in my own head, and you can only listen to so many podcasts before switching to music, and the music is tied to memories. It is impossible not to explore those rabbit holes that only lead to self doubt and fear. He is happy, maybe even in love, and I’m still trying to find ways to not hate what I see in the mirror.

I’m not someone who thinks that happiness is deserved. I know my heart and my shortcomings better than anyone else well enough to say that what has happened in the past month isn’t a pain that I feel is undeserved, whether or not I caused it. Happiness is a fleeting emotion. I’m working on finding joy, and being content in the storm. It has proved more challenging than I expected. Everything in my stubborn human nature wants to scream out, in jealousy, anger…and fear. Because that’s what this is. It is fear that the future doesn’t hold anything worthwhile – that it doesn’t get better for me from here.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I want to laugh without fear of the future, even if it is over a bad joke about my new “bachelor” lifestyle.

So tonight, I’m going to eat a cheeseburger, drink a milkshake, and cover up the last part of that tattoo of a date that doesn’t have meaning anymore. I’m going to learn to stop looking back, and run full speed ahead into whatever the future has. And one of these days I will figure out how to shut my brain off long enough to get sleep.