I’ve been told that now is a good time for me to give this blogging thing another shot. Forgive me if I don’t seem 100% bought into that idea. I have a hard time believing that anyone would want to read these words that I’ve got spinning around in my head, even if I manage them into a halfway composed sentence. I’m going to do my best not to come off as whiny, as it is a personal goal of mine to not be a Holden-esque narrator.

It will be a challenge. This is the worst time of my life.

Now I know what you’re thinking – I thought your goal was to not be whiny. However, if I was a better writer you’d pick up on the fact that my tone was very matter-of-fact. This is indeed the worst time period I’ve experienced. I hope it is the worst overall, but I’m not that optimistic.

I’m getting a divorce. That statement may not carry much weight nowadays. Everyone is doing it. My parents did it. All the cool kids are. I never wanted to be a cool kid. I always joked about the statistic that kids who come from a divorced family are 50% more likely to get divorced. I would say, “Us other 50% went through it once and said ‘Never again.’” Maybe that’s why it was able to sneak up and take me by surprise. I shouldn’t have been surprised. After a year of turmoil, and facing disagreements on fundamental issues in our relationship, truths came to light that I wish would have stayed hidden. The light always seems to find those ugly truths though.

According to numerous sources, this is going to be a grieving process for me. I’ve spent the last month ready to be normal again, and I’ve done everything in my power to try and make that happen.

Go to work, go to church, go to the gym, study, don’t cry. 

A friend sent me this comic a few weeks back:

I laughed and shrugged it off. No way. My coping skills are awesome. I’m going to drop another 15 pounds, get two certifications in a month, kill it at work, and feel great. I don’t need anyone. I am self-sufficient, and stronger than this. 

Eventually, the monstrous weight of reality catches up.

I’ve learned that you can only distract a brain like mine for so long. If there’s a word for it, I don’t know it, but it is essentially the opposite of a one-track mind. So while staying busy worked great for the first couple of weeks, gradually reality kept working itself back into my thoughts.

It took my sleep first. Maybe it was because I wasn’t letting it stress enough during the day, and so my brain instead decided to continue to run all night, every night. My appetite was the next to go. Cooking and seeing the amount leftover meant realizing that eating alone was my new reality. People who care about me didn’t appreciate the protein bar diet I took up to avoid that bit of truth. From there, even work stopped being a place where I could be immersed and distracted. I was standing in the middle of an 80’s party when I had to leave to compose myself, because out of the blue my brain felt it necessary to remind me that there was no one waiting at home for me to tell about my team setting up an NES in the middle of the concert. My little safe shell of avoidance was crumbling away, bit by bit. Studying added to the anxiety. The anxiety tore away at an already minimal self-image. The lack of self worth drained away motivation, and ripped my identity to shreds.

Avoidance doesn’t work anymore.

Maybe this blog won’t be anything special for me, or anyone else, but it is my first attempt to face reality head on. It’s going to be dry, sarcastic, and heavily laden with self-deprecation, but that’s my style. I will own up to some unhealthy habits, and make uncomfortable jokes about my situation. After all, I am typing this while sitting on my couch bundled in a hoodie and blankets after binge watching six episodes of Stranger Things 2 while eating my dinner of mini Reese’s. I am on a solid track to having this #ForeverAlone thing down to a science.

I hope to have hope again. It might still be there, just buried deep under that mountain of protein bars and a lack of sleep. I’m ready to dig it out.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have 4 more episodes to binge watch. This is how facing reality works, right?